The Chupahuahua Solution

Classic Farm Dog

Another great farm diva accessory is a dog. Farmers and divas alike agree that dogs have highly practical merits. As a farm diva two of the most important merits would be:  dogs guard the homestead and dogs look really cute tucked inside of a handbag.  

Of course most of the farm dogs I have seen have been German shepherds and Golden retrievers, which are great guard dogs, but do not fit in a tote. I have considered that it might be worth lugging a border collie around if only to have it balance my checkbook, but being hunched over all of the time would completely destroy the line I try to achieve with my clothing. Toy breeds have the obvious size advantage for finishing an ensemble, but there are difficulties associated with having one’s property guarded by a dog that can be carried off by large birds.

Fortunately, I rescued a peculiar looking Chihuahua mix who is a lot of dog in a small space (ultimum parvo).His adorably funny face is a cloying mask for an ancient and dangerous killer. He’s a Chihuahua-chupacabra mix – a.k.a. a chupahuahua. Half of him is a sweet, little handbag brooch and the other half is vicious, bloodsucking killer. Okay. . . so that’s really the mythos he has constructed in his own mind, but we humor his bigger-than-life fantasy, because it does have some practical applications.

The Chupahuahua Solution

For starters, he boldly sounds the alarm whenever there are intruders outside. The intruder may be a plastic sack stuck in a tree branch or the neighbors letting their dogs out or an actual villain. We have tried to help him discern these things, but he lacks focus. He’s not stupid, just flighty. It’s a bit like having a security system with an ill placed motion sensor. Fortunately the dog alarm is equally vigilant when there is a human at the front door as when a baby cries on television. Another advantage he has over the electronic security system is we don’t have to remember a code to shut him off. A verbal command deactivates him in most situations, and picking him up works for the more serious threat of the vacuum cleaner.

The disadvantage of having a chupahuahua is that one is responsible for the security of the fenced yard. Before he goes out, we must check the yard for foxes, coyotes and any variety of large cats, then we must stay with him to make sure that the owls and ravens don’t get ideas. The tradeoff is that he will terrify any animal outside of the fenced area by lunging into the yard, barking madly as though he is leading an entire pack of chupahuahuas in hot pursuit. He does this every time he goes outside and stops automatically when he reaches the fence, usually because he smells something interesting.

Darling handbag accessory and vigilant protector?

The fact that he is a flibbertigibbet is what makes him the perfect dog for a farm diva. I get the best of both worlds.  For example, his favorite game is Thunderdome Wrestling Death Match. Though this game is not popular among divas, it can be played with so little effort that one can keep  a hand free for sending text messages or drinking a glass of wine.  He doesn’t even damage a manicure. The game is over when he falls asleep hugging an arm, dreaming the dreams of champions. Set him loose in the yard, he is the great squirrel hunter, a menace to small birds, a pest to garter snakes. Drop him in a purse and he’s a doe-eyed sweetheart.

Unfortunately, a mini-dog doesn’t even need a mini-farm to get into trouble, and it is possible that our chupahuahua will bite off more than he can chew one day. An undetected skunk could get into the yard, a burglar might rub his belly until he drifts off to sleep, or something more unthinkable could befall him. With all that in mind we will probably have to adopt a larger dog to guard him while he’s guarding the property. I suppose I could accessorize with a handbag on rollers.